The anguish I feel tears at my soul Life at times is so cripplingly bad there is hatred everywhere cruel lives attack those who live for the joy of simply living. their lives are destroyed in a blink of time with acts of such horror and unthoughtful malice that to think of them makes the stoutest heart shudder and the strongest man cry A life so awful cannot be born alone in solitude with only thoughts to pass the time it must be shared or worse will follow

I don’t really know how I’m feeling totally but I know that my heart hurts a lot and I feel sad. Then I start thinking about how many of us are walking around pretending to be happy just to survive. How many tears are we holding back every day in the car hoping no one sees that one tear fall from your eyes but you’re hoping that someone does see so that you can tell them what’s wrong. How many of us have been beaten? Molested? Raped? Stays in abusive relationships? How many people have to deal with family members who have betrayed them? Mothers who have completely turned their backs on their children and aren’t bothered by it?

It’s a really sad reality of how many of our stories are really the same. If only we came out and actually said how we truly feel stead of holding on the pain because you’re too scared to let go. You’re too scared of failing but too damn numb to feel any pain.

People aren’t supposed to hurt like this all the time. I've just been doing so much thinking about everything lately….. To be honest my dad is none of the topics I talk about. I don’t really like to talk about that much. It hurts way too much especially know that on my birthday would make it a year since he’s been in a coma and brain dead. I don’t care too much for anything anymore. Not my birthday, holidays, every day is really hard for me right now. I think I’m handling everything ok, some days I’m just not sure.

“My emotions that first week after the rape were mixed up…..mostly anger. I wanted him to die. And I was upset with myself, with what I could have done….what I should have done. I felt afterwards that I didn’t resist at all. I just sort of stood there and let him do this to me.” Jennifer-Surviving the Silence, Black Women’s Stories of Rape by Charlotte Pierce-Baker

I’m not sure what’s going on with me lately. I’m sad and lonely all the time. I wish I could lay in bed all day and cry.  I’m at work right now and I just feel like breaking down and crying. I’m just not happy anymore…with anything.

I don’t feel like myself at all. I feel like how I felt exactly after I was raped. I’m numb, emotional, lonely, and sad and I just want the pain to end. It feels like I’m walking around in someone else’s skin and I can’t peel it off of me.

I feel like there’s something wrong with me mentally. I don’t want to end up on medication. I know what I’m feeling is now where close to being normal. I know I’m depressed but it goes so much deeper than that. It’s like I’m depressed and happy at the same time. Like one minute I’m happy and excited about life and I can’t wait to change and 10 minutes later I feel like crying and I want to die. That’s not normal but I’m glad that I’m noticing these things.

I don’t want to live the rest of my life taking pills just to balance out my moods. I've felt this way since I was in middle school, it got worse after I was raped the first time. I just keep pushing it back and pretending that everything is ok. I keep feeling like I’m being punished for being raped, like it’s just one more thing I have to add to my list of problems and that I’ll have to tell someone and it’s just one more embarrassing thing. Lmfao as if having the flash backs, panic attacks, night terrors, body memories and Vaginismus isn’t enough to deal with, come on life why don’t you throw in a little Bi-Polar Disorder in there too?

I’m just really tired. I’m exhausted and drained. I keep thinking about my dad and how I have no family. In that year I lost my dad and I lost myself. It hurts a lot……

I just don’t want to fight anymore. I’m just too tired now.