My mask shatters each and every day, my mind screaming for me to cry my feelings to those who hurt or anger me. This mask I have worn for so long...forgetting to take it off at night makes even my dreams hellish to glimpse, making it hard to sleep with my demons so close.

I’m talking to someone who really likes me. He makes me smile and laugh. Talking to him comes easy but I’m not looking for anything at all. I’m really scared, the closer we get to know each other is another step closer to me having to tell him about my past. It’s not something I can avoid talking about because it affects everything. Down to whether or not I can handle a hug that day. I’m really scared because I don’t know what to do if I really start liking him. I’m scared of the future. Just thinking about another man even touching me makes me sick to my stomach...........

Then I’m left with the emotional pain, the pain that tears away at my soul, my heart and my mind. The pain that invades me. My nameless, faceless sorry, that has found its home inside me. Pick up a sharp-edged cap that once was covering a glass beer bottle’s opening. The burns and bruises are doing nothing for me. They merely provide distraction, not for long, not long enough. I want to bleed.

So I’m thinking to myself now would be the perfect time to go in the bathroom and cut myself. I feel so damaged and alone. I’m just so fuckin sick and tired of dealing with all of this shit. I’m tired and sad and honestly I don’t feel like dealing with any of this anymore. My best friend is slowly starting to move away from me and this is why I fuckin don’t depend on anyone emotionally. This is the same stupid shit I was talking about last week. Every single god damn time I have enough courage and strength to actually open up my mouth and fuckin talk about what the hell is bothering me, I get shut down. What the fuck is the god damn point in talking about it in the first place them. You really don’t fuckin care what I have to say, you’re just pretending that you do.

I reach out for help, I’m fucking reaching out for help and every single god damn person has let me fall on my face. I keep telling you I need you to help me, I can’t do it by myself and still everyone is fuckin ignoring me like it’s a god damn joke. I’m done with people in general. I don’t care anymore. I don’t give a flying fuck what happens to anyone but my daughter. And now I feel like I’m hitting a low. And now I’m thinking about marrying for money. HA yeah right, you have to have sex so that’s a no go.

 And now the high is coming up like really fast. I don’t really know how I’m really feeling but I don’t know that I’m just sick of people. I’m tired of my mother in law acting like she didn’t do anything wrong. With that fake ass apology. I’m sick of people pretending that they care. I’m tired of actually giving a damn. Yes I’m fucked up mentally, I have panic attacks, I have flashbacks, I have body memories, I can’t be touches or be intimate, I have my highs and lows with my emotions every single day, all day long. I’m very intelligent, I’m caring and loving. I’m a child abuse, domestic violence and rape survivor. I am a survivor who fights bi-polar disorder. I am a survivor who’s fighting PTSD every single day. You have no right to judge me. I’ve dealt with more shit that you can imagine and handled it better that you ever could. I’m perfect just the way I am. Take me for who I am and the imperfections or leave me the fuck alone.

Her halo is broken along with her heart Her once white robes are stained and shredded apart Her beautiful face is now streaked with tears Can you believe she's felt like this for years? She's watched her once glorious life go down the drain Now all she's got left is the pain When it rains, do you hear her cries? Can you feel the hurt and pain fall from the skies?? She once was so happy never once doubting her life But now it's too often she talks only to a knife She once was so beautiful, graceful, and fair Her once golden locks turned to black hair But now she is broken and nobody cares

I’m scared of nursing school; I’m scared the only thing I want to do most in the world will be my biggest failure. I’m worried I won’t be able to remember everything and handle the material. I just don’t think I’m that smart anymore.

 

I ummmmm……..I’m just really lonely right now. Being rejected hurts just as much as being with someone who doesn’t even love you. My hands are so shaky right now. I wonder if I’m going to feel like this for the rest of my life. I mean hell I’ve felt like this since elementary school really. The ups and downs, the highs and lows with my moods I’m just so tired. Like I’ll feel really happy and an hour later I’ll feel so sad to the point of breaking down. And it starts all over again…..every day….ALL DAY LONG

Last night was so hard. I just needed someone to tell me everything is going to be ok. I wanted to cut last night…I wanted to cut so badly. I felt the pain and anger run through my veins and I wanted to explode. It was way too much for me to handle right now. I drug my fingernails across my wrist. I didn’t press hard enough to do any damage but the pressure was relieving. It’s still sore today but it’s better than using the razor like I wanted to.

So many nights I’ve wrapped myself up in that heavy blanket pretending that it was anyone’s arms holding me. Many nights spent crying because I can’t hold on to anything anymore right now. The rocking back and forth, the screams into my pillow, tears constantly pour down my face. I’ve cried so much I could fill up the ocean with my shame.

I’m tired and sad. It hurts, it hurts so bad. I just want to feel ok again. Mentally I just feel so fucked up right now. I’m tired; I’m really tired and worn out. I’m at a constant battle with my mind and I’m losing. I keep telling myself that everything is going to be ok. I don’t want to be here anymore.

pretty pretty angel, how could you run, it wasn`t your fault, their day will soon come. She cries in her pillow dead tears falling free, careful to stop them so others won`t see. Pretty pretty angel, don`t stop the pain, a woeful tale for sure, silence driving you insane. Taunting images steal away her night, if only she screamed louder, if she put up more of a fight. Pretty pretty angels, tell us your tale, release the sorrow, and pay your bail.

We moved last night. So I’m a little closer to my job now. I don’t know how I’m feeling about this really. I’m so beyond grateful that we do have friends that we can stay with but I swear it feels like I’m going from one dysfunctional house to the next. I think the most horrible feeling I’m having is not having a place to call home for my daughter. No permanent place for her to stay. The next move me and her will be making will be permeate.

I had a home before I my dad got sick. I miss that home so much. It’s like a home sick feeling especially since I couldn’t even take pictures of my dad with me. I still have one on my jewelry box that he gave me for my birthday. My mom was so pissed off at him when he bought it for me, then she got really mad when he said he was going to buy me some real jewelry to put in it. She must have put the fear of god in him because it never happened.

I wasn’t the person in the picture anymore. My eyes were so happy then: I was confident without feeling the effects of what happened to me. I don’t know what happened between then and now. I don’t know how it all came out but I’m feeling everything now. My eyes look so sad all the time. I try to hide all the time. I put mascara on, make up, a little shimmer to bring out the sparkle in my eyes fooling everyone else but when I look in the mirror I’m the only person who knows the truth.

It’s sad and hurtful looking back on pictures knowing that what someone else did to you could affect your life so much and so fast. I just want to have that happiness I had 10 years ago before all this pain hit me.

I wanted to die last night. I was in the bathroom and I got angry because had to move because of the fucked up family I was born into. I wanted to cut last night so bad. The razors were under the cabinet and I had to talk myself down from cutting. The pain was just too much. I haven’t talked to Ali in two weeks and I just have a lot of things going on. I’m on my period and its only making everything else worse to handle.

I’m just going to try and take a deep breath: relax and take it one day at a time. My daughter is my motivation. I have to make it for her. She makes me happy and I won’t let her go through what I’m going through.

days become darker nights become longer more oppressive heavy on the mind weighing down on hope suppressing it crushing it until it dies and when that happens life dies too

I swear it feels like I’m losing my fucking mind. There’s like a million thoughts racing through my head right now. I’m in the bathroom right now typing this on my cell phone with the music playing hoping to drown out some of the pain. I really wish I could grieve over everything I lost but I just never have the time.

Today is just not a good day at all. I spent all of yesterday morning calling trying to find help. They have nothing in my area or even within 200 miles of where I live. They have a lot of PTSD support groups but for veteran’s car accident survivors and natural disaster survivors but not rape survivors. How fuckin god damn hilarious is that shit? I've been raped by my rapist, by the fuckin police when they dropped my god damn case and now I can’t even get free fuckin help because they don’t have the money. Soooo…since my insurance doesn’t cover it I have to come out of my pocked for it which starts at 166 for a damn 50 minute secession.

All those numbers that I called and nothing. Just fucking nothing at all. That’s how I feel right now, like nothing. I feel so broken and used and now I’m just starting to feel angry and just pissed the fuck off. I’m pissed off that I can’t have sex when I want to, I’m pissed off that I can’t even touch my own skin without jumping, I’m pissed off at the men who hurt me. I wish they were dead. No let me take that back: I wish that I could run into them again so that I can torture them slowly and show them the same fuckin pain that they gave me.

I’m angry all the damn time. I’m angry and mad and san and honestly hurting them would make me feel so much better right now. To watch the look on their faces, the fear in their eyes because they don’t know what’s going to happen next. That would make my world so much better. I wish I could keep all of them locked in cages and have a throw where I can sit down and just stare at them until I feel like hurting them again.

I can just feel it right now. I would be in a bright pink suit with a pink flower in my curly hair. 5 inch pink stilettos with lots and lots of glitter on them. I would have a custom whip with 3inch long spikes on it that will dig into your skin and rip it off once I pull it away. I would cut frank in the same fuckin spot that he cut me in. Banky I would chain him down on the bed and take my whip and go right for his balls. I’d make him beg me to stop. I’d say to him, “Banky why are you acting like that”. The same stupid shit he said to me while he was raping me. Stupid fucker, I would torture him to the same song that was playing. I would record it and make it my ringtone for my cell phone so whenever someone contacted me they would know to leave me the fuck alone.

I would play it for the world to hear. Hell id put the whole damn recorded on YouTube so the world to see how much of an asshole and a piece of shit they are. How society let them walk free to torture other people.

After I was done torturing them id probably pull a human centipede on them just because I can. Justin would be in the middle…no I think the order would go my friends bother, Kenny, Dave, Wilson, that guy, Kenya, Justin and frank would be at the beginning expect I would put them all in a circle. And watch them suffer until they are all dead. I feel no remorse, I wouldn’t feel bad or have any sympathy, especially for Justin, frank and Banky, may they all burn in hell with no escape.